Im not good at sharing my feelings. Being vulnerable and putting something so personal out for whoever to read is scary

I've put off sharing this for so long because Im honestly pretty embarrassed, I wanted to wait until I was 100% better, fit, living my best, at the end of accomplishing my goals but I've come to realize that my life is never going to be completely perfect. My problems are never going to 100% disappear. As I keep making progress Im still going to mess up, fall behind and make mistakes AND ITS OKAY

When life throws you punches you got to learn to kick it in the damn balls

There's so much I want to share and have to say and I am definitely someone who takes awhile to get my point and story across but for your sake I'll try to keep this as short and simple as possible 



In 9th grade I knew 2 things:

1. I wanted to be 'skinny'
2. If I didn't eat I'd lose weight

I began habits that for the last 4 years have caused me exhaustment, hopelessness, insecurity in myself, confusion, and a horrible relationship with food. Coming out of it though I have found truth, and actual understanding and love for who I am as a person 

I was misinformed by my own warped ideas on what beauty is and how to "achieve" it

In 9th grade, I started skipping meals. You'd very rarely catch me eating lunch ever especially at school. I had a goal set in mind and my way of achieving this was to restrict what I ate. At the time I wasn't extreme, but it started me on a path of a distorted mindset of how/what I was eating, and how I felt about myself

Sophomore year, I really took the healthy thing seriously and to an extreme level. I became a complete control freak over everything I ate. No sugar, no soda, Whole30 diets, nothing with too much carbs, no food after 6, etc.

The list of what I "couldn't" eat was longer than what I "could". Being cautious of what you eat can be good until you are so strict on yourself and don't allow yourself to have balance

For me I didn't have balance and it was an obsession, all I constantly thought about was food and I mean CONSTANTLY

Im not bullshitting you when I say that all that was on my mind was what my next meal was going to be, what I had already eaten that day and how I was going to work off whatever I had eaten. I couldn't physically and mentally allow myself to have anything 'unhealthy' if I did it created immense guilt, and this is when I developed my first 'type' of eating disorder

Orthorexia- "an unhealthy fixation on eating only healthy or "pure" foods." It’s not commonly seen as an “eating disorder” because dedication to eating healthy doesn't seem harmful until it develops into a obsession. Not only did it become an obsession it completely controlled my life which sounds dramatic but it really felt that way 

I felt guilt for every. single. thing. I. ate.

I could not go eat anywhere without googling the menu & searching up calories. If there was nothing ‘healthy’ there I "wasn't hungry". Not only was I afraid to eat unhealthy I was afraid to gain weight. I wanted to lose everything I could

Around March of my sophomore year I was determined to lose as much weight as I could, I wanted to be smaller than I was so bad. So along with eating extremely healthy I started to restrict how much food I ate and started to run, a lot. An immediate feeling of guilt and a need to work off whatever I ate become a daily thing even if it was just a few vegetables so I would either starve it off or work it off

I lived a lie that I was "healthy" because from the outside it looked as if I was just constantly making 'healthy' choices but in no way was I being healthy whatsoever. I did not enjoy any of it nor was happy but I mentally could not stop, it was literally an addiction

I was obsessed with losing weight, I incorporated a lot of extremely unhealthy habits and practices and abuses which I wont share in detail because I do not want to promote those things

Because I was restricting myself SO much I started to binge eat which just fueled my guilt even more and this began the cycle 

By summer I gained more control over my binges and in essence was able to starve myself more easily. I lost my period, I lost hair, and my nails were so brittle

In my eyes I never got to a point where I looked "anorexic" and this has been something I've struggled with when it comes to admitting to myself and realizing that I had an eating disorder, because socially an eating disorder is most categorized by how you look on the outwards (which is so wrong) and not your mental relationship and practices with food/exercise  

But by mid-end of summer I was underweight & well on my way to be entering dangerous numbers, I wanted to keep going. It wasn't enough for me, I still was so unhappy with myself. 

How come all my friends could eat whatever they wanted and have perfect bodies? Why did I work my ass off and eat as little as possible and still didn't look how I wanted? Why could I just not control my binges and just eat healthy all the time? That must be the reason why I am still "fat" (which I hate that word, it is used so incorrectly and has become such a hatred word used against people)  

These were thoughts that constantly filled my head, I didn't get it and I had body dysmorphia

I had no energy left. I was so done with trying so hard and not seeing any progress in my eyes so I quit. Within a month of starting my Junior year I dropped all habits, good and bad 

Because I had starved and restricted myself for so long, I started binging. Like crazy. But I was embarrassed about it, I felt like I had to upkeep this “healthy” lifestyle everyone knew me to live by. So I wouldn’t eat around people, I hid my unhealthy habits. I’d hide and eat until I felt sick then I'd starved myself the rest of the day until I had to eat again and I’d binge. I felt disgusting. To say I was embarrassed of myself is such an understatement

Within less than a month and a half I gained 30 lbs. 30lbs!!! and on a small 5’3 girl like me it shows. But I couldn’t stop, I had no control over my eating

I hated myself for letting go of my old body and habits. I wish so bad I could starve myself again, but now I had a binge eating disorder. Now I couldn't stop myself from eating everything. I wanted to lose the weight so bad but it’s A MENTAL PROBLEM more than a physical, and I wasn’t mentally stable to be able to control that. I distanted myself from so many people, I made plans knowing in the end I would bail because I was embarrassed for anyone to see me

Going to school was awful and day by day I gradually started sinking into a hole. Getting out of bed was such a chore (still is lmao just in a different way)

I was so insecure about my body, and my appearance which sounds SO vain and it was! It was vain of me to care that much but it was also a mental problem

I didn’t tell anyone what I was experiencing or how I felt and kept it all to myself, which only made it worse (biggest mistake)

Winter is when it got bad and I write this with tears in my eyes because that period of my life cuts so deep in me, but I became extremely suicidal. I feel selfish and embarrassed that I felt that way but I wanted to be gone. I’d wake up every day pissed I was here and go to bed crying and begging god to take me away. I started self harming. I was literally at rock bottom

I knew I needed help but I was scared and freaking embarrassed

After what seemed like a lifetime of hell, I finally did something that I should've done long before 

I spoke up, and asked for help

I was so afraid and embarrassed to talk about everything, especially my struggles mentally. Mental health is a weird and can be an awkward subject, Im not sure why there is this stigma surrounding your feelings and thoughts and how you are categorized if you do struggle mentally

but afterwards a weight was lifted off my shoulders and after sorting through a majority of things with my parents and close friends I finally started to feel motivated to get better  

So after doctor visits, nutrionists, and a therapist not only did I begin weekly counseling/therapy but I got on medication

It has been a long road of healing and mending my relationship with food, and it's still a constant battle against my thoughts and my addict mind of wanting to back to my old ways but through everything I have learned so much about myself. I've learned what is really important. 

I still have bad days but who doesn't, but since medication I am so so so so much happier than I was last year

SPEAKING UP WAS THE HARDEST BUT MOST REWARDING THING IVE EVER DONE

I wanted to share this because I know Im not the only one who experiences or has experienced an eating disorder, or any sort of mental illnesses or insecurities. I also want to make it clear that this is not only directly to girls, BOYS I know you struggle with thoughts and feelings surrounding these problems too. I've been there and I don't want anyone to feel alone through it

Not only are you not the only one who may be experiencing something like you but there are people who are there to support and love you. Whether you have no friends or tons of friends, a perfect family or not. I know 100% there is help out there and someone who cares about you, and if you are struggling would want to help you out in any way they can

Speak up and get help. Don't be afraid or feel selfish getting the help you need

Life is not perfect, no ones life is perfect. You are going to have challenges, and struggles but you can not let the negativity/illness/whatever it may be control you. You are constantly going to keep having things thrown towards your way so you need to learn how to healthily deal with these challenges and keep moving forward

Its okay to have a bad day, to be sad, everyone experiences these things. But don't dwell on whatever it is. Like I said you are continually for the rest of your life going to make mistakes, fall behind on your goals, have problems etc so accept and acknowledge this and learn to pick yourself back up when you do fall back or get in a funk. It is going to be a continual progress of working on yourself, becoming confident and happy and achieving your goals

Stop telling yourself that "I'll be happy when *this happens* ". Make yourself happy now. Theres not going to be a period in your life when everything is perfect. You need to learn to love yourself & the life you have, and to be happy with where you are now. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't better yourself or work towards greater things, but do not have the mindset of not being happy until you achieve something. Life is way to freaking short

Be kind to everyone. You just never know. Even if they seem like they are okay reach out to them, check in on your friends, be a friend for everyone, talk to people you normally don't, step out of your comfort zone. People are really good at hiding their problems 

Take care of yourself! Mentally, physically, emotionally all of the above. Work your butt off for what you want, set goals, eat healthy but have balance don't restrict yourself. Embrace and become confident in who you are, you are not defined by the size of your clothes, the number on the scale, or the way you look. You need to love yourself so you can stop comparing yourself. You wont stop comparing yourself with a sudden change of an attitude it doesn't stick, it takes time and self acceptance

If you've read up until this point I appreciate it. It's a lot easier to talk about a problem after it has been resolved. So its extremely scary for me to put this out there because I still have things I'm working on, and still haven't resolved all my problems but its okay because its a continual progress and Im going to keep trying my best to get better and better

Life is really good everyone and things really do get better 

**Please feel free to dm me or email me at ryleepatti@gmail.com if you ever need someone to talk to or have any questions or need help!! Even if we have never met, or talked please don't hold back. I want to be a friend that everyone can come to no matter what